Where's my wife?

Whilst working on a film in 2006 shooting near Wales for a few months we found out that one of our stars would do anything to any woman that would look at him on set.
One day in Cardiff a bus load of extras came in who had all asked to be in the film.
One of them, a small, rather obese lady with a tattoo you could just see on her boob and a sonic the hedgehog haircut, caught sight of her idol.
'Do you think I can get an autograph?' she asked the runner excitedly.
'Don't see why not. I'll ask.'
He came back ten minutes later. 'Find him at lunch.'
The womans face lit up as she told her friend.

At lunch we spotted her waddle over to the stars trailer and knock on the door. He opened it and let her in asking one of the runners to make sure nobody disturbed him for 30 minutes.

About twenty minutes later a large bulldog of a man walked over to us. Bald tattoos, looking like a real thug. 'You seen my misus?' he asked us, describing the lady in the trailer.
'Think I saw her on set looking round mate.' the runner replied, giving me a look as he walked of to find her.

5 minutes she came out sheepishly, ignoring all knowing looks the crew gave her as the star sat on his step and lit a cigarette.
'Fucking hell, she gives good head.' he told us casually. 'Told me her mate would be up for a threesome as well if I wanted, bit much though isn't it.'

We all laughed, not suprised about what he'd been up to and sure he'd be doing it again before his girlfriend came up to see him.

I'm sure I recognise your mum

A few days after 'Nam, the grip came over to ask me something unimportant. At the end of the conversation T's mum walked over to ask me to pick her up some cigarette's from London before chasing the producer to ask them something.
'I'm sure I recognise her.' He told me.
'No idea.' I replied, going back to work.

A few days later he came back to me, grinning like a chesire cat, holding a video.
'I knew I recognised!' he told me passing the tape over. 'Have a butchers at that when you get home.'
I took the tape and at the end of the day when I got home, popped it in the VCR and hit play.
The tape started, some old 70's film. The mum walked into a bedroom and got undressed. Great opening for a film I thought. No more than ten seconds later two guys walk in, strip off and she starts to blow on multiple trumpets.
My jaw hit the ground. It couldn't be her, although it did look a he'll of a lot like her. I got closer to the TV to get a better look as she gobbled anything in view. Yup it was her. And she was giving as good as she got, as more men entered the scene, taking it like a trooper.

The next day I returned the vid to the grip who beamed back triumphantly.
'Told you I knew her.'

Flashbacks from Nam

Whilst working on a film as a runner, I was standing outside one of the actresses dressing rooms, waiting for her to finish changing to get her on set, when her father walked over to me.

He sauntered over, nodding his head at me. I nodded politely back, going back to my paper and finishing my fag.

'How's it going?'

'Fine.' I replied. 'Just waiting for T to get ready to get her on set.'

He nodded and I went back to my paper.

'Weird.' I heard him say.

I looked up expecting to see something 'wierd', alas, there was nothing.

'What's weird?' I asked him. Why i asked him I do not know as he was a rather small, oddly shaped man, tiny, yet buff as hell. Every one of his muscles seemed to be as big as my head and his old army tats seemed to disperse over his tanned, leathery skin.

He looked at me, his eyes almost piercing my soul, past his owl shaped mavs.

'Nam...'

At this I was a little startled. Nam??? as in Vietnam?? Had I said something out load I didn't know about. had someone else said something I had not heard? Where we filming a war film? No. None of this had happened.

I looked back at him a little unaware as to where this conversation was going.

'Yeah....'Nam......Weird.....I bet.....' I replied, putting down my paper and knocking on T's door to see if she was ready yet, no being her reply from the other side of the door.

'The things I've seen, you wouldn't believe...'

'Yeah I bet.' I said as I started to look for anyway out of this bizare conversation.

'I saw my best friend blown up..... right in front of me.' He just wouldn't stop talking at me.

'That sucks.'

He nodded in reply. 'A young hooker threw a grenade at him when he picked her up....'

The rest of what he said trailed after that.....did I hear the words 'young hooker, grenade, blown up'??

'.... I swear man, for 10 dollars they would do anything you wanted...' he kept saying.

'I'm sure.' I replied knocking on T's door again telling her she was needed on set. Luckily she came out, gaining me my freedom from her weird father, who later on in the shoot filmed her sex scene on his own camera...... I'm not judging, but it is a little weird to film your own daughter getting touched up by the new hot actor (he never made it though), even if it is make believe.

Fill in the Hole

I was working on a small British film, which ended up becoming a bit of a cult hit, staring two girls and two guys.

Towards the end of the shoot two of the producers approached me. This is the conversation that followed.

Producer: 'How's the shoot going?'

Me: 'Good.'

Producer: 'How's 'B'?'

Me: 'Well I think.'

The producer nods.

Producer:' You get on with her don't you? We always see you two chatting.'

Me: 'I guess.'

Producer: 'We think she's a little depressed. Would you sleep with her?'

At this point I am sure I haven't heard the Producer correctly.

Me: 'Sorry what??'

Producer 2: 'Would you sleep with her if she asked you to?'

Me: 'I've got a girlfriend'

Producer: 'Yes, yes, but no one would know. Would you?'

Me: 'Once again, I'm taken, secondly, how do you know she even likes me.'

Producer: 'Well it's obvious she likes you. Would you sleep with her.'

Me: 'I'm really sorry, but I've got a girlfriend, I don't.....'

Producer: 'For £500?'

Me: 'I don't....'

Producer 2: '£1,000?'

at this point the A.D, called me on my walkie and I luckily had the excuse to run, instead of being whored out by my producers. This wasn't the worst day at the office by any means.

West End Boys

When I was 15 and in boarding school in the middle of a field somewhere in the south west of England, our headmaster had a great idea to raise publicity for the school, by releasing an album of various chants by old monks and young boys. This proved to be a huge success and even spawned a doc about the school.

With the CD, came a producer from London, we will call him 'C'. 'C' was large, bitchy queen of a man, in his late 30's, who took a shine to the boys, especially one, a friend of mine, 'P'. We were always a little confused about 'P', was he gay, wasn't he, those mood swings to prove he wasn't, almost looked like he did..... 'C' saw the potential in 'P' and went straight for it, inviting him out to the local town for drinks, taking us all out to the local pub and getting us drunk, even getting hold of the drugs we wanted, bringing them down from London for us. 

As I was 'P's best friend, I was allowed access to all this, even though 'C', didn't like me much and knew that I knew that he was just trying to get into 'P's pants, dirty old queen that he was.

So one weekend, he invited a few celeb pals down to the school to try and impress. 

We ended up in a bar with 'C' and the drummer from a then big band, 'S' and  'L', the writer/performer of one of the biggest bands in the world (I would disagree, I thought they were great in the 80's, but lost it a while back when they went West).

Of course 'S' and 'L' took an immediate shine to 'P', although 'P' was under 'C's wing.

As the night unfolded we saw a lot of drugs consumed, drinks drunk, hands over hands, knowing looks between the older men and myself and a friend that had come along watch 'P' start to act like a queen.

'Shall we go back to the hotel?' 'L' asked.

'No, we've got to go back to school, tomorrow!'

'Well next weekend, you guys must come to London and stay at my pad.'

So we did.........

It was saturday night, Farringdon and we, myself 'P' and another friend went over to the house, where 'C', 'L' and two of their bitches were waiting for us. We had a few drinks and were shown round the flat, amazing! Bed in the middle of the ceiling, a little bridge which led (when a button was pushed and the roof opened) out onto the roof, where there was a large window looking down onto the bath ('it fits 20 people' 'L' was very happy to tell us). 

Eventually a car came to pick us up and take us to a club. which happened to be the biggest gay club in London. So we walked in. Myself and friend a little nervouse. We were 15, on our own with a group of old gay men in a club, where when you loked around all you could see was sucking, fucking, spanking and wanking.

'P' loved it, throwing himself into the throng of naked, sweating bodies.

We went to the bar and had a beer.

After a few hours 'L' suggested we go back to his place and have some drugs and a drink or two, relieved we accepted, hoping back into his car and to the flat.

Once there, the stuff came out and we started to have fun, when out of the blue 'P' pipped up. 'I fancy a bath' And walked into the bathroom. 

'That's a great idea', said 'L', following him into the bathroom, jaw open, tounge out.

'C' and his bitch ran into the bathroom, giggling too, leaving myself and friend a little worried and confused about how the night was unfolding.

Water runs, bitch runs in and out, we drink beer, bitch finds a polaroid, bitch runs back into the bathroom taking snaps. Bitch runs out giggling, gets dressed and runs out of the flat. 'C' comes running out of the bathroom.

'Is bitch here?'

'No bitch left', I told him.

'C' runs out to find him.

'I need a piss' I told my friend, thinking It'd be fine to go into the loo part of the bathroom and shut the door, so I went for it, walking, blinkers on, into the bathroom, towards the loo. But I had to look over to the bath, how could you not, you know your friend is still in there, with one of the biggest pop successes of the last 30 years...... and I did.......

'P' was lying back in the bath naked, looking up to the heavens, the little 15 year old boy, being sucked of by one of the biggest names in pop.

i couldn't believe it. I turned and walked out, telling my friend that I think I'd just seen 'L' giving 'P', an underage boy a blow job. Myfriend didn't believe me, so went to look and came back white as a sheet.

We grabbed our stuff and left.

The next day 'P' called us and we met up. We confronted him about it and he denied it. we told him about the bitch and the photos that were out there and could end up in a tabloid. He denied it less. 

We left and went back to school. 

He left and went on tour with the band.

My Life in film and other things......

So this is to be my blog. Why am i doing this???? Because I haven't had time to write a book, if this could even make a book!

So what's the point? I've been lucky enough to work in film over the last 10 years and meet some interesting people, some have become MEGA stars and others have become nothing.

So over the next few weeks/months/years, I will be letting you into some stories, some could get people arrested, others are just funny.