A little lesson

If there's one thing I've always seen an abundance on film sets, it's drugs.
Doesn't matter what kind, it's always there and 80% of the crew will hammer them.

There will also always be one person who is the designated drug getter, which I have had to do on many an occasion.
And 90% of the time it always goes wrong. Someone doesn't get what they wanted as the rest of the crew take their bit
and you'll always be the person to get the blame....unless you get a story on them.

I had had to do the usual trip and had got everybody what they wanted. I passed it over and went about my night of usual debauched fun in a shit town in the middle of nowhere.

The next we're all back on set and feeling a little worse for wear, wen at the end of the day one of the A.D's approached me.
'Got my stuff?' he asked.
'No' I replied. 'I gave everything to 'S'.'
'Well I didn't get mine, so you owe me £50'. he snapped back.

Feeling a little worse for wear I shrugged it off and went back to my lodgings a little pissed off, telling the sound man on the way back about it, he being the one who had meant to pass it out but ad obviously hammered it all himself.
'Don't worry about it, I'll deal with it.' he told me.

Later on that night we're sitting at the bar, when the A.D walks in.
'You got my money?' he asked.
'No.' I once again replied. 'And to be honest, it's none of my business. I got it, brought it back, took all the risk. Once I delivered it, my part was done.'
'Bullshit, you owe me £50.' he snapped back.
The sound man pipped up. 'Wait a minute, this has nothing to do with him....;
I got up and walked out of the pub, leaving them too it and came back in the wee hours to an empty lodgings.

The next morning I got into the car as usual with the sound man.
'So, how's it go?' I asked
He smiled happily to me. 'Well we had a bit to drink, then a bit more, until he couldn't get up from the fucking table, so I let him sleep with me. He woke at four and fucking legged it back to his place.....When I woke up the bed was fucking wet man, I thought I'd pissed myself, but my jeans were dry, so I couldn't of fucking been me.'
I smiled happily at this knowledge.
'He didn't even apologise the fucker.'

When I got to set I went and knocked on the production trailer where he was working alone.
'Good night?; I asked.
He snarled back at me. 'Not a fucking word about this to anyone.'
'So were fine?' I asked.

He nodded, more than a little annoyed.

Can I buy that.

One day on set a few of use were having a fag and waiting around as usual, when the main actor walked over and said hello. He spotted a ford truck parked up and asked who owned it.
The camera car driver pipped up and said he'd just bought it.

'Oh right. Can I buy it?' the actor asked.
The driver said no.
'Why Not?' he asked again.
'Because I just bought it.' came the reply.
'Oh right.'

We carried on smoking and chatting,, when the actor pipped up once more.

'So how much do you want for it?' he asked again.

The driver looked over to us a little confused.

'It's not for sale.'
'Why not?' the actor asked again. 'It'd be great for me and thew kids like.'
'Sure, but I just bought it and it's not for sale.' the driver told him once again.
'Oh O.K.' he replied, taking a drag of his cigarette. 'So when can I buy it?'

The driver put his fag out and walked of pretty pissed off as the actor turned around to the rest of us.
'So is he going to sell it?' he asked us. The runner turned around so the actor wouldn't see him laughing as the A.D answered his question.
'You know you could just ring up the manufacturers and they'd give you a free one.' he told the actor, who after a moment seemed to realise that he was famous and could get stuff for free.

'Oh yeah!'

As nice as he was, he was the thickest man I've ever met and even has to have his lines written on a card so he doesn't get them wrong.

Watch out for radio mics

Whilst looking after an actress between takes she wanted to have a quick ciggie so asked me to go along with her.
We popped outside and started chatting and the conversation came to the producer.
'What do you think of him?' she asked me.
'Bit of a twat' I replied.

Suddenly the 1st A.D buzzed me on the radio.

'Just to let you know, Z's radio mic is on. Everyone's listening.'

We walked back onto set quite sheepishly.

Terence - what a man

I had the great misfortune to get an invite to the premiere of 'Honest', yes that great film in which the highlight was seeing a bit of Appleton boob.
After a few well needed pre film drinks I decided to hop to the loo, where I found myself standing next to the one and only Terence Trent D'Arby - legend, in a blue sparkle suit of wonder.
I took my place next to him and started to do business.
'Oh man, I pissed on me 'tings!'
I couldn't believe the words I was hearing. Terence - the one and only, had turned rude boy.
I left him to towel down his blue suede shoes.
His comeback album did become more of a slash back.

How???

What do you do when your in a successful rock band shooting a video in the middle of glacier in Iceland?
Fly your dealer over to deliver coke for the 'wrap' party.
That guy must've pulled seven shades of smoke to get it over. Was a fun night though.

Was it just me???

So there I am filming away, getting shots of the band doing their thing between takes, waiting for the next set up, looking round the location, a church in London.
'Got some good stuff.' the lead singer asks me.
'yeah' I reply, as I look out over the extras sitting in front of us as we stand at the altar.
'No, I've got some good stuff.' he tells me taking a wrap out of his pocket, turning his back on the sea of extras and racking up two lines.
'Want some?' He asked.
'Not while I'm working.' I told him trying to make sure no one could see what was going on.
'Well your better than I am.'

Six months later rehab beckoned.

Frying the hair on the bacons head

After doing some work for a band, they had their album launch party, which myself and a few others went along to. It was a good night, good music, lots of people hoping to see the lead singer, who hid at the VIP bar with the rest of the band.

Their manager came out and told us to go and join them backstage, which we did.

As we entered the room, all the 'celebs' hid in dark corners. We had a few drinks and the lead singer 'H' came over to say hello.

At the end of the chat he turned around to me saying, 'Go out the back door and follow the candles'.

I did this, following a line of candles for a minute until a reached a little huddle of people, standing round a barrel, surrounded by candles. Could I have magically of entered a Detroit tramps crack den? As I got closer I saw the rest of the band, with a few of their friends, a couple of TV/Radio hosts and a lot of coke.

'Alright mate....want some?' The drummer asked.

'Of course I shall.' I replied digging my nose into the mound.

After doing a bit, I looked round, passing my note to 'B'. 'Alright.' I told him.

'Thanks.' He replied, getting it ready.

'You did that show didn't you? The one with....'

'Yeah.' He replied.

'What happened to it?'

'Got cancelled.'

'Shame. I quite liked that.'

'Thanks.' He nodded, putting note to nose and bending down. As he did so, a candle in front of him caught a wisp of his hair and as he snorted and rose, the flame rose with him, causing a burning mohawk to appear on his head. We all stopped watching him in amazement, nobody really understanding that at any moment he would either have no hair, or be running into the main room, screaming and on fire.

He lookes round, wondering why we were all staring at him. The drummer quickly came to his senses, putting the flame out by hitting him on the head repeatedly.

We all took a moment to take in  what had happened, before laughing and seeing the bizarre burnt streak of hair he now had. As we all got on to do some more, 'J' walked in a well known cock of TV. He walked over to my friend and asked. 'Got any coke I can have?'

My friend looked at him, lifting an eyebrow. 'Shouldn't you have some of your own?' She asked.

'Never buy any myself.' He replied.

'You stingy fuck, you're loaded.'

He shrugged. 'Yes i am. Can I have some?'

She shrugged. 'I suppose.'

He did his lines. 'Thanks'.

'No worries'. She told him, looking him up and down. 'You really are a cock.' She suddenly came out with.

'Thank you,' he replied chirpily.

I looked on a bit stunned by the conversation as a woman came running into the room. 'I just touched Brian May's hair!!!'

Sounds like fun I thought, deciding to go back to the bar and try to do the same myself, in which I am proud to say, I did succeed.