Producers

When you're working in house at a production, you see a lot of producers - freelance and in house.
A lot of them are women and of them about 60% can be real fuckers. No idea why. But when they're bad, they will make your life hell for no reason.

Whilst working at one company for a few years a girl came to work with us. She came straight from staking shelves in Sainsbury's to working with us as a receptionist. Over the years she got to become the bosses P.A, who was no easy cookie either, firm but fair. Her P.A, was neither firm, nor fair. Just a bitch, laying havoc where ever she went. She loved the parties, celebrities, being the bosses pet and mostly - the coke.
Needless to say we butted heads a few times. She tried to order me around, I reminded her she was a bitch. We didn't get along, apart from when there was a party and she was drunk or coked up.

Another year past and she became a producer. I left and started doing freelance work.
One day a director gives me a call.
'You around for a job?'
'Of course I am' I replied as I loved working with him.
'Really? 'C' said you were working on something else...'

Bitch I thought, how many other times had she done this.

'Well we're doing a promo abroad, I want you to come.'

So I hoped on a plane and ended up on a very nice five day shoot. At the end of it we had a big party, it got out of hand and towards the end of the night my best friend walks up to me.
'So how about it?' she asks me.
'How about what?' I reply, trying to find anyway past the obvious question.
'We go to my room?'
'Don't you have a boyfriend?' I ask, to which she just shrugged.

Luckily the director came and rescued me at that moment and I had a few more drinks before heading upstairs and thankfully alone.

The next morning we all fancied heading to the beach before the flight, so a few of us got into a car.
'Where's 'C'?' another producer asked. 'Go find her, she wanted to come.'
Being the youngest I dutifully went back into the hotel, up to her room and knocked. Nothing. Down to the breakfast room. Nothing. Reception, called her room. Nothing. One of the band came down.
'You seen 'C'?'
'Not since last night, she headed up to the drummers room.'

My eyes lit up. The drummer. The ugliest man in the band. Amazing. So I gleefully headed up to his room, knocking on the door, which he opened after a few minutes.
'Is 'C' there?' to which he simply smiled back. 'Good Night?' He nodded.
She quickly walked out, past us both, not looking back. I hurried after her into the lift. She stared straight ahead. I smiled, knowing she could see my reflection in the mirror.
'Nothing happened.' She snapped to me. I simply nodded. 'I wouldn't cheat on my boyfriend you know.'
'Sure.' I replied. 'That's what you said to me last night.'
She retorted to giving me the evil eye.

We went to the beach, jumped on the plane back and headed home. At the airport the lead singer turned over to me. 'Drummer says 'C' is a shit lay.'

I guess it's the small things that make me smile and if she reads this ever - Congratulations on your marriage last week. He's a lucky man.

A little lesson

If there's one thing I've always seen an abundance on film sets, it's drugs.
Doesn't matter what kind, it's always there and 80% of the crew will hammer them.

There will also always be one person who is the designated drug getter, which I have had to do on many an occasion.
And 90% of the time it always goes wrong. Someone doesn't get what they wanted as the rest of the crew take their bit
and you'll always be the person to get the blame....unless you get a story on them.

I had had to do the usual trip and had got everybody what they wanted. I passed it over and went about my night of usual debauched fun in a shit town in the middle of nowhere.

The next we're all back on set and feeling a little worse for wear, wen at the end of the day one of the A.D's approached me.
'Got my stuff?' he asked.
'No' I replied. 'I gave everything to 'S'.'
'Well I didn't get mine, so you owe me £50'. he snapped back.

Feeling a little worse for wear I shrugged it off and went back to my lodgings a little pissed off, telling the sound man on the way back about it, he being the one who had meant to pass it out but ad obviously hammered it all himself.
'Don't worry about it, I'll deal with it.' he told me.

Later on that night we're sitting at the bar, when the A.D walks in.
'You got my money?' he asked.
'No.' I once again replied. 'And to be honest, it's none of my business. I got it, brought it back, took all the risk. Once I delivered it, my part was done.'
'Bullshit, you owe me £50.' he snapped back.
The sound man pipped up. 'Wait a minute, this has nothing to do with him....;
I got up and walked out of the pub, leaving them too it and came back in the wee hours to an empty lodgings.

The next morning I got into the car as usual with the sound man.
'So, how's it go?' I asked
He smiled happily to me. 'Well we had a bit to drink, then a bit more, until he couldn't get up from the fucking table, so I let him sleep with me. He woke at four and fucking legged it back to his place.....When I woke up the bed was fucking wet man, I thought I'd pissed myself, but my jeans were dry, so I couldn't of fucking been me.'
I smiled happily at this knowledge.
'He didn't even apologise the fucker.'

When I got to set I went and knocked on the production trailer where he was working alone.
'Good night?; I asked.
He snarled back at me. 'Not a fucking word about this to anyone.'
'So were fine?' I asked.

He nodded, more than a little annoyed.

Can I buy that.

One day on set a few of use were having a fag and waiting around as usual, when the main actor walked over and said hello. He spotted a ford truck parked up and asked who owned it.
The camera car driver pipped up and said he'd just bought it.

'Oh right. Can I buy it?' the actor asked.
The driver said no.
'Why Not?' he asked again.
'Because I just bought it.' came the reply.
'Oh right.'

We carried on smoking and chatting,, when the actor pipped up once more.

'So how much do you want for it?' he asked again.

The driver looked over to us a little confused.

'It's not for sale.'
'Why not?' the actor asked again. 'It'd be great for me and thew kids like.'
'Sure, but I just bought it and it's not for sale.' the driver told him once again.
'Oh O.K.' he replied, taking a drag of his cigarette. 'So when can I buy it?'

The driver put his fag out and walked of pretty pissed off as the actor turned around to the rest of us.
'So is he going to sell it?' he asked us. The runner turned around so the actor wouldn't see him laughing as the A.D answered his question.
'You know you could just ring up the manufacturers and they'd give you a free one.' he told the actor, who after a moment seemed to realise that he was famous and could get stuff for free.

'Oh yeah!'

As nice as he was, he was the thickest man I've ever met and even has to have his lines written on a card so he doesn't get them wrong.

Watch out for radio mics

Whilst looking after an actress between takes she wanted to have a quick ciggie so asked me to go along with her.
We popped outside and started chatting and the conversation came to the producer.
'What do you think of him?' she asked me.
'Bit of a twat' I replied.

Suddenly the 1st A.D buzzed me on the radio.

'Just to let you know, Z's radio mic is on. Everyone's listening.'

We walked back onto set quite sheepishly.